The today's are hard

During this time of transition and unknowns I am learning daily to appreciate today and that they each hold their hardships and their happiness. I'm learning how to trust God with everything. Today is hard. Not bad, just a hard day to live this transition, it is actually hard because of the happiness and sense of purpose I feel in the now. I had a conversation with a parent of one of my patients that asked me "the Lord is using you in what you are doing here and I want you to continue to treat my child.... do you have to go to Haiti?" When she asked she didn't mean it. She understands my heart and loves Jesus so she understands the adventure He has called me to in Haiti. I am going to be honest though there are times that I wish I could undo Haiti. Sometimes I wish I could tell myself at Passion 2013: don't go... this is going to make things sooo complicated for the rest of your life. After that first trip in 2013... there has been no choice in my spirit to avoid Haiti. I know that I am called now and I WANT to go. I really do, I am so excited and sometimes I want to leave tomorrow... but I also want to be here. I meet so many missionaries that tell me that they knew they were called to missions because they felt uneasy in America and that they felt no purpose here. I don't feel that way.

Another parent with a child with multiple "hidden disabilities" told me at least 10 times throughout the hour session today that our clinic has been the best thing for her and her child since everything started. She has been to six clinics and she never felt that someone cared and advocated for her child or was there to help her through the process. She does now and she told me that she feels that there is hope for him to improve for the first time since he was in pre-school. That is purpose... that is God letting me know that He is working through me in America and he will in Haiti... that was hard because I know that I am going to leave that child. I had to fight the tears in that moment. I know that he will continue to receive services and support at the clinic, but therapy has improved his and his families quality of life. I have been part of that. I really hate leaving my patients. My job is not just a job, I love my kiddos... I spend a lot of time talking about and learning about the kids I treat. I love what I do, I wouldn't change what I do for any other career. I love where I work and that I get to come alongside parents that are in their own crisis and be there... I cannot always fix it, but I can always be there. I am in the transition of giving this up... trusting that God will care for them in my absence.

Now I sit in my bed listening to Haitian music and trying to decide on a departure date as well as a budget. I have spent multiple hours trying to figure out living situation, car, dog, and budgets with a Haitian friend. I want to be there... I want to eat pikliz and plantains, I want to see my friends, I want to be working with Janet and seeing how the Lord uses my time there, I want to be serving with and learning from the other therapist that are living in Haiti. I want to be there... but I am not. "There" also brings anxieties that I have never really lived with. I am anxious about living in a culture that is unknown to me, anxious about learning a new language, anxious about where I will live, and anxious about best choice for transportation. 

This transition is hard. This transition is good. This transition is sad. This transition as well as my life is the Lords'. I believe that, but sometimes it's hard to trust that today is enough, accept that I can not fix the future, and as bad as I would like to live my life in Haiti and America simultaneously... I can't. So I ask for your prayers in this transition. Also if you would like to receive updates (that will not be posted on this blog) please send me your physical address. I will be trying to send an email/blog update every month that I am in Haiti and 3-4 update letters throughout the year. My blog and emails will be the same but the letters will be different. You can send your information to my email... rachelptinhaiti@gmail.com. I hope to hear from everyone and if you ever want to just send a note of encouragement that is always welcome :) 

Prayer Request: 

• Relationships: I am praying that in the coming year the Lord blesses me richly in relationships with Haitians and Americans in Haiti and America. 
• Language: That the Lord would give me the gift of tongues or at least an ability beyond understanding to learn and apply to conversations. 
• Direction:  That I will be constantly listening for the small voice of the lord and adjusting course accordingly but that I will rest and be content in the stillness when there is no obvious direction.
• Protection of my heart: That as I spend more time in Haiti I would not become callous to the poverty or hurt no matter what may be done to me. That my heart would continue to break for the things that break the Lords heart 

^Live foolishly