Holding His hand... Not a dream

I am pretty open about what I have felt called by God to do with my life... work with orphans. When I see others that have the opportunity to be living out my dreams in ways I can not imagine I get very excited and impatient to be in their shoes. I do not think it is a bad thing to long for the promises of God, but I think my longing became obsession or even idolatry for the destination of being a missionary. I have for the last year or two been living in expectation for the future and not at all content in the present. I made a step coming back from Haiti of trusting and accepting that this is where God wants me, but I did find joy in where I am. 

I am currently doing a Beth Moore Bible Study called Breaking Free and she refers to Isaiah 44:20 where it says "...he cannot save himself, or say,'Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?'" It just hit me, I was not content with Jesus, I was sold on his promises. I was holding so tightly to this promise that I was blind to the fact that the enemy had fed me a lie. I have prided myself on not wanting or longing for the things of this world... money, husband, safety, ect but instead I search for satisfaction from a destination, a work I felt called to do. But it looks good to want to go to the orphans and care for them, it followed one of the commandments (James 1:26-27). The thing is I so often yearn for this to satisfy, forgetting that without loving my Savior with everything knowing that only He can satisfy it will always be empty (1 Corinthians 13). 

I don't feel this changes my heart for the orphan, that is genuinely from God, but it does change my ability to be satisfied in him even before that day comes. It frees me to enjoy the journey here, with the people I am surrounded by, and the blessings I have. It frees me to trust him with every step, and not to be anxious about the timing and that there will not be enough. It frees me to take a deep breath and to enjoy his presence and goodness where I am now, and not the goodness of where others are. God is unique, He made each of us unique, I am unable to enjoy the goodness God has planned for another and no one is able to experience the goodness He has declared mine. I get to bask in His Glory as I watch each piece come together. 

For the past 3 days my desire to be in the mission field hit another all time high, I spent 15-20 hours searching for different mission opportunities. Places to go this Christmas, places to go for spring break, places to go for my final internship for PT school, places to go after I finished school, places to train. Planning, deciding how I was going to make it to the destination, to be a full time missionary. Don't get me wrong, I don't think the longing, the anticipation is bad. I don't think God would have made promises to the Israelites if he did not want them to be in anticipation. It causes us to live different, knowing that we have a higher purpose than that of today. Where it became sinful is when I decided that the destination was a greater reward than the day to day relationship I got to experience with Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit. I went terribly wrong when I decided that I thought I could figure out how to do God's job of preparing the next step. 

It is HARD! I think planning is a good and wise thing (Proverbs 16:9). But I knew I was going too far this time. Preparing is the Lords, and only causes anxious thoughts, questioning, and disbelief when we decide to do it ourselves. When we prepare we look at the promises from God and try to figure out how to make it happen. 

Just remember that what God has called each of us to do is IMPOSSIBLE without him. My preparation just causes concern, because it does not make sense. There is no solid logic. It is awesomely, crazily, impossible... and that is why it is so exciting.  It leads us to anticipate His glory. I pray that I can see exactly where I am to insert my abilities into God's big production instead of trying to hurry it along to achieve the next "step" in the plan. 

Rachel 

Missions: Reflections from Haiti

Sorry that this has taken so long... Being in grad school, when I got back I had little to no time to digest my mission trip, much less try to explain it to others. This week I think I have finally began to come out of the shock phase and begin to just meditate on what I am suppose to do with this experience I was able to have. He still has not provided the master plan, and for that I am thankful. I think if I knew what was expected from me if I follow his every step I would run in the opposite direction. The founders of Mission of Hope Haiti (MOH) were actually at the mission the week I was there, which is rare as they live in Florida. But at the end of the week we had the chance to here from Brad (one of the founders) and someone asked him what led him to take a leap of faith (in moving to Haiti years ago with his wife). He responded with something to the effect of he never took a leap of faith, God doesn't ask us to take a leap of faith, but rather to take one step each time he takes one step. That was a revelation for me, we are not defined by our leaps of faith, but rather by our steps of faith. As we grow and mature in our walk with Christ these steps become larger, much like as we grow physically. When you compare the step of a 3 year old child to a 25 year old man the mans steps will be much larger, and may even look like "leaps" to the 3 year old child in comparison. We are not created to compare our steps of faith to the steps of faith of others. If Brad were to compare himself to me, he may believe that he "leaped"and may then think he should take smaller steps, that he should not be such a "crazy" Christian. If I compare myself to Brad, I may say that I don't "leap" enough for Christ. Instead I think God ask us each to listen for his "still, small voice" and to take the next step that he has created and walked before us.
So as you read this blog please don't compare yourself or your experiences to the people or experiences in this blog. Also please do not compare the Haitians with the Americans. We are all human flesh, we are all saved only by the blood of Jesus Christ, each community has it's strengths and weaknesses. What we must remember is that Christ is coming back for ONE bride. When he comes back for his Bride he is not speaking of Fellowship Bible Church or Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale or Mission of Hope church or the churches of the "bible belt" or the churches of Titanyen, or the churches of America, or the churches of Haiti, or any other group of churches. He is coming back for ONE body of believers, that have faith in His name and His power. So I beg you, as you read this realize that every story, every person, every culture makes up a part of the UGLY yet perfectly BEAUTIFUL Bride of our Savior and Redeemer and the one that Reigns over all. Its an absolutely amazing thing to realize that the Haitians need the American church, but the Americans need the Haitian Church. I am sure if I get to experience church in another country I will have the same opinion... both the Haitians and Americans will need them and vise versa.

I am just going to go through a bit of the day by day activities, so if you don't care skip on down a little bit...
Saturday: I got there around 2:30, and just as they warned the airport was CRAZY! I got asked to have my bag carried at least 50 times. I pointed to my arm muscles and said "no mercy" or "no thank you," most of them laughed, but others were not impressed and walked off. After that I found the driver let me tell you this... I never thought the driving could get any crazier than south florida... I WAS WRONG!!! It can not be explained, and I do not understand the rules of the road, so I am not even going to try. I tried to find a youtube video to explain, but it did not work. Here is what I know... a honk means "hey, I am going to pass you and make this two lane road into a three lane road so it would be best for all of us if you would kindly get as far over a possible." (ok that may not be what it actually means, but that is what it looked like to me) I know there are rules of the road, and they are just different from our here in America. By the 3rd day I was use to it, but the drive to the mission the first day, Ill say I was a little scared.
Sunday: We woke up and took a tour of the MOH campus ending at the sunday morning church service. After that we ate lunch and headed off to one of the villages and the campus they are currently working on. Finally we got to go to a restaurant, (GPP- I kinda know how to say the real name, but have NO idea how to spell it so I am not going to try... if anyone knows let me know) where we got some really great chicken, and my favorite haitian food... a pickled slaw. While we were there I got to meat my first Haitian translator, and he was definitely the entertainment for the night. He has a future in stand up comedy. :) Here is an excerpt from my journal that night

I feel at home. Not home surrounded by the people I know, or the language i know, or the comforts I take advantage of, but rather by the embrace of God. Knowing this is exactly where he wants me to be. Knowing that He loves all of his creation. Looking out from the roof seeing the lush mountains and the sea, but also the valley's and the desert. He made all things beautiful, and here in Haiti he wants his presence to be known just by his creation, from the landscape to his people of Haiti. It is all beautiful. 

He has destined his people to "work his garden" of Haiti, just as he created Adam to work his garden in Genesis. I want to "work" his garden all over the world. I want to be so dirty that you can't even tell it is dirt, I want to sweet perfusly and be in good company, I want to put on all the bug spray I can and still get eaten alive by mosquitoes, I want to pick up a little boy and just hold him close and pray for him, knowing that is all I can do. And that is enough, because his Creator loves him as much as my Creator loves me. I want to hear the small voice of God as he directs my steps, and in the end I want to be a woman that knows Jesus and is known by Jesus.

 I want to stand before him and hear "well done." That is all. 

Monday: This was our first day in the village, and not going to lie... it was a bit awkward. For those of you that know me.. evangelism... not my thing. I'm not exactly proud of that, it is just the truth, and I think it is funny that it is the first international mission trip I went on. My idea of a mission trip is service and orphans... not evangelism. But God obviously had something to say about that, something like "Hey Rachel, if you want to bring my name into the nations and show them the love of Christ you are going to have to talk to them about me at some point.. and it's better to do it sooner than later." Due to the language barrier in Haiti, we partnered up with some awesome translators... mine (and my group of 7-8 others) were Marc and Amos, although Marc really did most of the translating. We got to talk to many families that day and play with a bunch of kids, but my favorite part of the whole trip was getting to know all the translators.. Olsen, Marc, Amos, Williamson, and Emmanuel. I got to know some more than others, but each one of them made an impact on my life, and some continue to as I get to know them on Facebook. It was just so awesome to see guys that are just a couple years younger/older with a heart to learn, serve, and lead the communities that surround them. They are men of God, none of them perfect, but all of them understand the importance of their relationship with the living God. Monday afternoon we arrived in Titanyen and Amos gave these instructions (well it was something like this) "alright, we are going to walk through the village and [because you are white] kids will follow. Tell them to come, we are going to play soccer and do an activity with them." So we did just that, we walked through and picked up a bunch of kids and took them to play games. I tried to play soccer for about 7 minutes and realized that the 8 year old children were far more elite than I was and decided that tag was probably more my game. We then all proceeded to a small HOT building where we danced and jumped and colored pictures with kids full of laughter and giggles and mischief. We then packed into the school bus and went back to the MOH campus. At that point each night we were free, just had dinner in the evening. Typically I would go to the baby room to relax for a bit and just hold the little ones, then head up to the playground to run around with the kids that lived on the MOH campus. Some of them are orphans, others are more along the lines of foster kids who's parents are still in their life, just are not currently in the position to care for the physical needs of the children. 

Tuesday: I promise this is going to go quicker! On tuesday we got the opportunity to paint two houses (one morning, one afternoon) and by the end everyone was COVERED in paint. The best part of that day was the water/paint fight we got in while a few of us were cleaning brushes. That night we got to go to a worship service, let me say this... In heaven you will find me in the haitian click for the Worship service. They don't sing praises to the Lord, the sing, dance, shout, whistle, and fist pump praises to the Lord. The end of the service was an all out DANCE party with mosh pit and congo line. The kids run around to whoever wants to put them on  their shoulders or give them a piggy back ride. This was the night that made me really excited for Heaven more than any other night in my life. That is our eternity.. singing Holy Holy Holy with all the nations, tribes, and tongues, I am just glad it is going to be that long so I can see how each person worships. 

Wednesday: We did the same thing on wednesday as we did on monday in the morning.  During lunch I got the opportunity to go down to see and work with the man that runs the prosthetics clinic. It was so cool to see all the equipment and even better to see the individuals that had received and were training to walk with their new prosthetics. It gave me a taste as to why God wanted me to continue my education to PT school. That afternoon we were suppose to go back to Titanyen to build kites with the kids (an easter tradition in Haiti), but were unable to go due to safety issues. We ended up at a random (because there was a miscommunication in how to get where we were suppose to go) village called Kanadi that popped up following the Earthquake in 2010. They were not use to the white people there, so the adults were very hesitant, but the kids were extremely fascinated. We ended up with at least 100 kids playing soccer, jumprope, playground games, and flying kites.  

Thursday: We went to a different village again because it was unsafe to return to Titanyen. When we got there the translators got mangos.... I am OBSESSED with Mangos. Williamson gave me a mango, which made my day! It is so fun to just get to know them as guys, to forget where they come from and how different we are "suppose" to be and to just be their friend and sister in Christ. We did a work project in the morning then played soccer and games with the kids around the village. 

Friday: We got to go to a BEAUTIFUL beach called Wahoo Bay beach with the entire team and translators as well as one other team. We played some marco polo, beach volleyball, and just chilled in the ocean. We again got to eat the wonderful Haitian chicken and cole slaw as I have deemed it (which I think I found a recipe for... just have to find the time to make it. After coming back we got to watch a video and debrief with the founder of the mission, which was super cool since he is usually stateside. 

Saturday: Because I am conveniently located in Ft. Lauderdale, my flight out of Haiti was not until the evening, so I got to spend the morning in the village with a different team. I even got to bring a personal translator with me, Amos. Ok well he was not actually a personal translator for me, but I did get to talk to him and get to know him a lot more that day. We rode to the village and to the airport with the same group and since we did not know the others we just stuck close. It was a good time and when he got off in Port-au-prince I started crying, because at that moment I realized it was all over. I realized that there is a good chance I will not see most of the people I got to meet and know on that trip until eternity. I realized that I had to go back to a life of abundance, where it is so easy to forget the pivotal role the Lord has in provided for every need. I realized it meant I know had to go back to the mundane routine of school, when it is not where I want to be. 

BUT... during and after that trip God spoke so clearly to me. My expectations for the trip were to see the kids, fall in love and never want to return to America. I did fall in love with the precious children, but God spoke to me about something much different. The young men that made that trip absolutely unforgettable where the translators. The two translators I got to know the best while there (Amos and Marc) both wanted to go to college, but were currently unable to attend. They had graduated high school (only 1% of Haitians do that) and had the grades and knowledge to continue, but couldn't. For the year leading up to my mission trip I had been very open and honest about my frustration of feeling like God really wanted me to do the PT school thing. I didn't want to, I feel a very strong calling to work with orphans, and did not understand how physical therapy was going to help anything. It was only going to take two years away for college and add debt into the situation. Needless to say, I was bitter. I didn't understand why the one person that really did not want to go to grad school, was the one that had to. While I was there these young men and the opportunities to work with the disabled spoke so powerfully to me the blessing and opportunity I had to be educated to the level I will be. I am not going to say I am completely content with where I am, but I did promise God that I would honor His blessing by working with all I had and not questioning His plan (well this aspect). I use to look and try to convince myself that school was the wrong thing, but now I the only way I am dropping out is if I fail. I am so thankful and blessed by the trip and the MOH staff and interns that made it possible. I miss it terribly, and I am sorry it took me so long to publish the post. You all are special to me and please feel free to contact me to ask more questions or just to hear other stories. 

Mercy Senya "Thank you Lord"

With Love

Rachel 

Here is the video I made following my trip

Haiti Trip March 2013