I can't do this

It has been a LONG time since I posted a blog (I have multiple drafts that I don't feel ready to share) but I have come to realize that my blog post are the times where God is working through a specific struggle or situation to increase my faith. I feel this blog has from beginning to end shown my increase in step length (maturity) in faith. So this is another step of faith that I am ready to take, it is not a leap, I don't feel God ever expects me to leap. I think he expects me to grow up so that my steps are longer as I know him and his characteristics more personally.

After my last trip to Haiti I felt like the next time I went would be either for vacation (I mean it is beautiful there) or to work in training Haitians to work in rehabilitation. I had some very ambitious ideas, but have been looking for other organizations to work with that provide therapy services and that might be able to support me personelle wise in training Haitians to provide rehab services. The huge shift in missions in the recent years has been the desire to not always be long term,  but to have long term effects on a group of people and the economic of that country. I feel that providing rehab services would be a great way to be effective in both of those areas. 

So now fast forward to well yesterday... I had found a website through one of my many searches that took me to a newly developed PT school in Haiti. I came to find out that this is the FIRST accredited PT program in Haiti, and that there are only 24 Haitian PTs in the country at this time.  ONLY 24!!! We have more than 24 pediatric PTs in NW Arkansas.... imagine if that were the extent of trained rehab professionals in America. That would mean that there were 6 PTs in Arkansas or 50 in Florida... and we feel that we are spread thin as PTs here in the States. Ok sorry I got a bit off track there, but I just did not realize the need until I saw that number. (Also each of the 24 therapist were trained outside of Haiti.)..............SOOOOOO I sent an email to their director and dean saying that I would love to be a clinical instructor, and asking how that would work. I was expecting an answer in a couple weeks that would either give me a go to find a site or not. WELLL the response asked if I was interested in becomig the department head of the program starting in September. So basically I would be one of the faculty responsible to the ultimate education of EVERY PT TRAINED IN HAITI. My response was that I am 1 year out of school and not in anyway prepared for the position, but that I would be willing to discuss it.... now that is were I am going to leave the technical aspect of what is happening (because that is literally all I know as of right now, I will update when I know more).

Let's switch to were my mind went right away when I read that email that said I might be moving to Haiti in a couple months... Jesus... and a prayer I have prayed for over a year now. My prayer was this 

Lord, I have had every aspect of my life planned years in advance. I want to live a life that is foolish and spontaneous but that is always one step behind you. I want to work "too hard" when you are calling me to that and I want to rest when you say to be still. But I want to adventure with you. I want to Go when you say GO!. I don't want to ask too many questions, I want to be willing and be a servant that you know will be obedient. Make me obedient to your words and your direction. 

So when I got the e-mail I laughed... first because I thought it was ridiculous and could never happen... I was suppose to graduate 2 months ago. I should not even be a licensed PT right now. But then I heard...

"but you are. You have told everyone you believe that you were put in the dual admit program because I wanted you to be. That many odds were against you, but every detail was worked out and you finished the fast track program just as planned*. Seek Me I will tell you if this is that reason but remember that you have prayed Bold prayers. I love those prayers of faith, love, and obedience, but I also require action."

*planned refers to one of those way in advance plans I had that had worked out just perfectly. 

Then I tried to continue to laugh as I told my co-workers and parents. I went to bed with the thought and talked to God for a good 2 hours as I could not sleep. Funny how he can keep me up when we are having some awesome conversations... because I really wanted to sleep. But we talked and he took me back to Abraham... this is a very long story that occurred a couple months before I started a Blog so I can't point you to it. But basically I was thinking about quitting PT school and Jesus took me to the call of Abraham and eventually to the preparations for sacrifice of Isaac. He asked me to take the preparations for sacrifice and he would speak to me. I was seriously considering quitting and decided to wait till I went to Haiti (the first time), I was sure he was going to tell me to quit and go start an orphanage somewhere. He didn't. No actually he softly reminded me how unthankfull I was for the BLESSING of PT school and questioning his ability to use the skills I was gaining in PT school. I came back more than positive that he wanted me to finish school...
So now I am leading a discipleship group through a bible study that goes through the entire Bible... guess what we discussed last Friday and the last personal Bible study I had done at that point was. Yeah Abraham... and I gave them a personal testimony about how he had asked me to be willing to sacrifice titles that were important to me. Well when we (God and I) had our little talk last night and I was getting overwhelmed with all the "Hows" he reminded my of Abraham and how when he calls he will not always give all the "Hows" but he will confirm it and guide me through every step. So I choose obedience. I choose adventure. I choose sacrifice. I choose to follow. I choose to listen. I choose Jesus.

I don't know if he is calling me to this. I know that it is a HUGE undertaking. I know that I have no experience. I know that I am way over my head. But I also know that if was not impossible I would go into it trying to make it succeed... but he has the plans. If I have peace and confirmation even if it is only his still small voice I will GO. I will move to Haiti!! I will lead, I will direct... but I will do it as I follow Jesus in obedience, sacrifice and adventure. Because I am blessed to know him and be known by him.
Please in this time be praying for me to quiet enough to listen to the voice of God as he leads through the conversations with the current dean and director in Haiti and through my decision if they do decide to officially offer a position.

Live Foolishly
^Rachel