Holding His hand... Not a dream

I am pretty open about what I have felt called by God to do with my life... work with orphans. When I see others that have the opportunity to be living out my dreams in ways I can not imagine I get very excited and impatient to be in their shoes. I do not think it is a bad thing to long for the promises of God, but I think my longing became obsession or even idolatry for the destination of being a missionary. I have for the last year or two been living in expectation for the future and not at all content in the present. I made a step coming back from Haiti of trusting and accepting that this is where God wants me, but I did find joy in where I am. 

I am currently doing a Beth Moore Bible Study called Breaking Free and she refers to Isaiah 44:20 where it says "...he cannot save himself, or say,'Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?'" It just hit me, I was not content with Jesus, I was sold on his promises. I was holding so tightly to this promise that I was blind to the fact that the enemy had fed me a lie. I have prided myself on not wanting or longing for the things of this world... money, husband, safety, ect but instead I search for satisfaction from a destination, a work I felt called to do. But it looks good to want to go to the orphans and care for them, it followed one of the commandments (James 1:26-27). The thing is I so often yearn for this to satisfy, forgetting that without loving my Savior with everything knowing that only He can satisfy it will always be empty (1 Corinthians 13). 

I don't feel this changes my heart for the orphan, that is genuinely from God, but it does change my ability to be satisfied in him even before that day comes. It frees me to enjoy the journey here, with the people I am surrounded by, and the blessings I have. It frees me to trust him with every step, and not to be anxious about the timing and that there will not be enough. It frees me to take a deep breath and to enjoy his presence and goodness where I am now, and not the goodness of where others are. God is unique, He made each of us unique, I am unable to enjoy the goodness God has planned for another and no one is able to experience the goodness He has declared mine. I get to bask in His Glory as I watch each piece come together. 

For the past 3 days my desire to be in the mission field hit another all time high, I spent 15-20 hours searching for different mission opportunities. Places to go this Christmas, places to go for spring break, places to go for my final internship for PT school, places to go after I finished school, places to train. Planning, deciding how I was going to make it to the destination, to be a full time missionary. Don't get me wrong, I don't think the longing, the anticipation is bad. I don't think God would have made promises to the Israelites if he did not want them to be in anticipation. It causes us to live different, knowing that we have a higher purpose than that of today. Where it became sinful is when I decided that the destination was a greater reward than the day to day relationship I got to experience with Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit. I went terribly wrong when I decided that I thought I could figure out how to do God's job of preparing the next step. 

It is HARD! I think planning is a good and wise thing (Proverbs 16:9). But I knew I was going too far this time. Preparing is the Lords, and only causes anxious thoughts, questioning, and disbelief when we decide to do it ourselves. When we prepare we look at the promises from God and try to figure out how to make it happen. 

Just remember that what God has called each of us to do is IMPOSSIBLE without him. My preparation just causes concern, because it does not make sense. There is no solid logic. It is awesomely, crazily, impossible... and that is why it is so exciting.  It leads us to anticipate His glory. I pray that I can see exactly where I am to insert my abilities into God's big production instead of trying to hurry it along to achieve the next "step" in the plan. 

Rachel