The today's are hard

During this time of transition and unknowns I am learning daily to appreciate today and that they each hold their hardships and their happiness. I'm learning how to trust God with everything. Today is hard. Not bad, just a hard day to live this transition, it is actually hard because of the happiness and sense of purpose I feel in the now. I had a conversation with a parent of one of my patients that asked me "the Lord is using you in what you are doing here and I want you to continue to treat my child.... do you have to go to Haiti?" When she asked she didn't mean it. She understands my heart and loves Jesus so she understands the adventure He has called me to in Haiti. I am going to be honest though there are times that I wish I could undo Haiti. Sometimes I wish I could tell myself at Passion 2013: don't go... this is going to make things sooo complicated for the rest of your life. After that first trip in 2013... there has been no choice in my spirit to avoid Haiti. I know that I am called now and I WANT to go. I really do, I am so excited and sometimes I want to leave tomorrow... but I also want to be here. I meet so many missionaries that tell me that they knew they were called to missions because they felt uneasy in America and that they felt no purpose here. I don't feel that way.

Another parent with a child with multiple "hidden disabilities" told me at least 10 times throughout the hour session today that our clinic has been the best thing for her and her child since everything started. She has been to six clinics and she never felt that someone cared and advocated for her child or was there to help her through the process. She does now and she told me that she feels that there is hope for him to improve for the first time since he was in pre-school. That is purpose... that is God letting me know that He is working through me in America and he will in Haiti... that was hard because I know that I am going to leave that child. I had to fight the tears in that moment. I know that he will continue to receive services and support at the clinic, but therapy has improved his and his families quality of life. I have been part of that. I really hate leaving my patients. My job is not just a job, I love my kiddos... I spend a lot of time talking about and learning about the kids I treat. I love what I do, I wouldn't change what I do for any other career. I love where I work and that I get to come alongside parents that are in their own crisis and be there... I cannot always fix it, but I can always be there. I am in the transition of giving this up... trusting that God will care for them in my absence.

Now I sit in my bed listening to Haitian music and trying to decide on a departure date as well as a budget. I have spent multiple hours trying to figure out living situation, car, dog, and budgets with a Haitian friend. I want to be there... I want to eat pikliz and plantains, I want to see my friends, I want to be working with Janet and seeing how the Lord uses my time there, I want to be serving with and learning from the other therapist that are living in Haiti. I want to be there... but I am not. "There" also brings anxieties that I have never really lived with. I am anxious about living in a culture that is unknown to me, anxious about learning a new language, anxious about where I will live, and anxious about best choice for transportation. 

This transition is hard. This transition is good. This transition is sad. This transition as well as my life is the Lords'. I believe that, but sometimes it's hard to trust that today is enough, accept that I can not fix the future, and as bad as I would like to live my life in Haiti and America simultaneously... I can't. So I ask for your prayers in this transition. Also if you would like to receive updates (that will not be posted on this blog) please send me your physical address. I will be trying to send an email/blog update every month that I am in Haiti and 3-4 update letters throughout the year. My blog and emails will be the same but the letters will be different. You can send your information to my email... rachelptinhaiti@gmail.com. I hope to hear from everyone and if you ever want to just send a note of encouragement that is always welcome :) 

Prayer Request: 

• Relationships: I am praying that in the coming year the Lord blesses me richly in relationships with Haitians and Americans in Haiti and America. 
• Language: That the Lord would give me the gift of tongues or at least an ability beyond understanding to learn and apply to conversations. 
• Direction:  That I will be constantly listening for the small voice of the lord and adjusting course accordingly but that I will rest and be content in the stillness when there is no obvious direction.
• Protection of my heart: That as I spend more time in Haiti I would not become callous to the poverty or hurt no matter what may be done to me. That my heart would continue to break for the things that break the Lords heart 

^Live foolishly

Love God...Do what you want

This post has been difficult for me. I have chosen to not go to France at this time. There are multiple factors that played into this decision. One question that I was asked and I had to wrestle with before considering not going to France was "did I hear God wrong" or "Is God changing His plan". In praying and fasting through this I think the answer to both of these questions is simply no. I think I could remain faithful to God and go to France for language school in preparation for Haiti. But I also have peace that I can remain faithful to God and slowly move directly to Haiti to see where the next step is over the next year. I remember a podcast I listened to by Levi Lusko (great podcast if you are looking for a sermon podcast to listen to) in which he was speaking to God's plan for our lives. It was YEARS ago that I listened to it, so what I remember could be very different than what he actually said. It was something to the like of "love God and do what you want". His point was that we don't have to find the one thing God has called us to do and if we somehow miss it our lives are trash or spent trying to get back to His path. Rather we prayerfully seek the Lord, read and obey His Word, and then act in accordance to His word.

Why Haiti First

Learn the ministry expectations
The plan (at this time) is to spend 5-6 months in 6-10 week intervals in Haiti during 2018. During my time in Haiti I will be working with the PT/OT school in Leogane that I taught at in May to see if it is a good fit for a more longterm position that I could do while also working in a clinical setting. Janet (the current dean of the school) has agreed to allow me to spend 3-4 hours/day learning language and will also allow me to do some of the translation of PowerPoints as I become more comfortable with the language. I am hoping that during weekends I will have time to travel and spend the time more immersed in Haitian culture to learn Kreyol, the culture and build relationships. This is likely a bad idea as I will be learning two, similar but also different, languages at the same time. But being able to communicate with the people as well as speak French at the school are both important. The rest of my time will be spent in a more administrative role, helping to organize and streamline some documents and processes to allow for consistency for the students, staff, and professors in the coming years. This role will be quite fluid as Janet currently does everything and we will be working together to delineate the role of "dean" verse the role of "PT/OT program coordinator". I think having 5-6 months in country with Janet will be very helpful in the process and understanding what will be needed and determining if I need further training or language school before moving full time. The (tentative) plan is to go February 15-March 30 the first time and then Middle of May to end of June and then plan to go again for all of September until the first week of November.

Raising support
I say plan because I may attend language school or a discipleship school starting in August if the Lord leads in that way. In taking this "intermediate year" I feel the Lord asking me to just slow down and take a more relational approach to life. I am a productive introvert and I thrive in being too busy. I enjoy "fixing" things and doing my work well. This is not wrong, but I allow it to become more important than relationships with others because it is easier and less stressful for me than creating relationships. That is not that I don't care about people, it is that I need to learn and practice how to do that better. Over the last year that was one of my goals, but I allowed myself to become overly busy again and my main place for spiritual relationships, my community group, dissolved to join/start other groups. This was really hard for me and the first thing that made me question if I was ready to leave into the mission field long term. I realized in loosing that, that I lacked deep relationships with others in my church body. I say this because over the next year I feel the Lord is challenging me to create a support network, and I am asking the Church to be active in this. I know that a missionary asking for support scares many away because you feel like you will be guilted into giving Financially. At this time I am able to be self supported as I will be working part time when I am back home. Each trip will cost 2,000-3,000 dollars, but I had been saving up to be able to attend language school self supported which was suppose to be 15,000-20,000 for the year. Over the next year my hope is to build relationships with organizations/ministries in the area that are also involved in Haiti or rehabilitation in a developing country as well as build individual relationships with others that have a heart to reach the nations for Jesus by supporting me spiritually and emotionally.

Family 
There have been multiple family trials during the course of 2017. Some are not my drama to share, but one that I can share is that my nephew was diagnosed with leukemia. I had planned on taking October 28th to fast, pray, and make a final decision about going to France or not. That morning my brother texted us that his 2-year-old had been diagnosed with cancer. I think at that time it was just confirmation (along with multiple conversations I had in the previous week with others in regards to my decision) that being able to be around and spend more time there (Oklahoma) with my brother and family as well as my family that lives here in Arkansas was also an important ministry of this interim year.

The biggest confirmation for me in all of this is the peace I have with this decision when in conversation with Jesus. There is some sadness.  I am sad that I will not get to attend language school with the two families that had been quite helpful in this journey over the last year. I am so thankful for them and am sad that I will not have the time to spend with them there during the year and learning from them. I know that God has big things for them and I am so excited to see how he uses all 11 of them to be kingdom changers in their area of influence.
Mainly I am excited... a part of my heart and soul lives in Haiti. I have longed to be there for years now and the unexpected change of getting to be there sooner just has me excited. I have so many expectations for this year and yet have no idea what to expect. My belief that the Lord has called me to Haiti first and foremost to show me His love for me is still true. I am always amazed how the Lord blesses me through His relationship with others and vice versa but always seems to make the personal relationship with each of his disciples the focus point of all He does. The beautiful truth in this is that no matter where I go or where you go this will always be his number one mission in our life. I just pray and hope that others will see how much he loves each person through my words and actions where ever I am and that this leads to their own life change and eternity with the Lord.

Prayer Request

• Relationships: I am praying that in the coming year the Lord blesses me richly in relationships with Haitians and Americans in Haiti and America. 
• Language: That the Lord would give me the gift of tongues or at least an ability beyond understanding to learn and apply to conversations. 
• Nephew: The last 3 weeks have been difficult for my nephew and all the family. Prayers for some healthy, happy, and fun days ahead in the midst of what seems to be a hopeless situation. 
• Direction:  That I will be constantly listening for the small voice of the lord and adjusting course accordingly but that I will rest and be content in the stillness when there is no obvious direction.
• Family: There have been many trials and life changes for immediate and extended family. Prayers that everyone would cling to the truth of the Lord and that He would give peace past understanding. 

It is setting in

There are a few events in life that don't quite seem real until they have happened and even then it does not quite settle in for a while. That is how this whole process of moving to France/Haiti has felt to me. I knew it was going to happen, but I didn't really believe it. It interesting really, I think what has changed has been my heart to learn another language. I truly believe it is an answered prayer as well.

I'm a nerd. There is no getting around that and I take no offense to it. I never really cheated in school, especially not on test. There was two reasons for this 1) I wanted to see if I learned the material 2) I am a nerd and I was quite certain no one else knew the material better than I did. It is also a major distraction to attempt to cheat during a test in my opinion. There is one exception to this no cheating thing... yep my foreign language class. My high school required 2 years of it and I decided Spanish because it's the most common language in America and I was NEVER living anywhere but America. But I had no care to learn high school level one or two Spanish, and both of my teachers made it quite easy to cheat. So I did. I am not proud of this, I don't think it is okay in hindsight, I am just letting you know my total ignorance and apathy to knowing a second language. I am writing this blog because I ham excited about (hopefully) understanding French and Creole in the future and wishing that I could be fluent in more languages.

I think for me this is also confirmation that the Lord is preparing me to learn. I believe moving to Haiti is something He is asking me to do and so I believe that as I ask him to give me the ability to learn he will. This is not how I have felt until very recently. The thought of learning another language has been VERY scary to me.... Did I mention I am a nerd. Well another character flaw that comes with that for me is pride. I don't fail with scholastic things. I love chemistry and physics and math because I can understand ideas and solve problems that is VERY difficult for the majority of the population. English though.... Right now I have 14 red squiggly (make that 15) lines because I don't understand the simple spelling and grammatical rules of my first and only language. 26 years has not been enough practice, the thought of trying to learn another language in one, or two, or three years is impossible to me. That is why my biggest prayer in this preparation phase has nothing to do with money, or safety, or logistics, or (insert everyones concerns here)... it is my ability to communicate with the people He has asked me to serve. In order to communicate the most important things I must speak a language they can understand, but he is reminding me that He loves them more... He loves me more. He is providing what I need. He is working the impossible to demonstrate His power through me. I just have to continue to answer "Here am I, send me." These are the sobering lessons, the lessons that break my pride and remind me that it is not about what I can do for the people of Haiti, but what God wants to do for me, my heart, the people of Haiti, and their hearts. He is not asking me to fix Haiti, he is asking me to do what he has asked me to do for the last 20 years... love God, love others. He has just asked me to do that in Haiti for a time. He is asking me to continue to trust the Peace He provides in every surreal transition in life. And that is what I will do... I will adventure with Him where ever He ask me to go, with what ever He ask me to do because He has proven His love for me first and so I love Him.

^ Live Foolishly

Rachel

New Adventures Start January 8, 2018!!!!

Well its official... 1) I am accepted into French language school and will be attending January 8- December 21, 2018. 2) I have officially taught a section of a college level physical therapy course... and it went much better than I expected.

I found out about 2 months ago that I was accepted to language school, but got all the official acceptance papers about 2 weeks ago... on May 15. The two couples that I heard about the school from have also officially been accepted :) I am super excited for this opportunity but in all honesty I am very nervous. I still am trying to figure out the English language, so the thought of learning two additional languages in the next two years is just daunting. I have decided to spend this year focused on physical therapy related terms as many of them are very similar to the english version because they are often based in Latin. Also this is an area that will not be covered at the school since not everyone will be a medical professional. This way I might be able to take the French board examination and do some volunteer work as a physiotherapist in France. Unfortunately due to the type of visa I will have I will not be able to work, but that probably good for me as I am really good at making myself too busy.
Speaking of trying to do more than I need to do, can I be real honest for a second? Ok so maybe I am going to be honest even if you don't want to hear it. I questioned this going to France this a lot while I was in Haiti this last time. I loved what I did in Haiti, I loved the students, I loved the idea of working on the campus, I almost kinda loved teaching. There was and still is a part of me that just wants to go to Haiti, I think it is because I feel needed there. I am not needed in France, I know without a doubt that the Lord WANTS me in France, but no one NEEDS me there. I like to feel needed, but it is such a dangerous desire to chase, especially in missions. As I begin to label myself as an ambassador of Christ to the Nations I need to put that desire away. I need to be even more diligent to point those that I have the opportunity to serve to Christ as their provider, healer, and Lord instead of me. Because I will mess up or leave and if they need me more than Him, I have failed in everything I am doing. So all that to say I am excited about France, I am excited to have a change of pace and a whole year surrounded by other missionaries preparing to go to the nations through language school. I am excited that there will be 6 people from our church at the school, and two of them are women of the Lord that not only can I follow them as they follow Christ, but that I can also share my fears and insecurities as I begin this new adventure with Jesus. So yes I am nervous, yes there is a part of me that just wants to forget I ever thought about missions, yes sometimes I just want to be comfortable. But... but my life is not my own. As much as I would like to pretend that I could just stay where I am (which I love) I can't. That would be disobedience, when I accepted Christ and have taken this journey, this adventure of life with Him as my Lord I agreed to surrender my life to Him. Now please don't read this as me not wanting to go, I want to go. I know that the Lord has amazing things to teach me, I know that although he doesn't need me in France or Haiti, he wants me there. I know that he is answering a prayer I have prayed for over two years... A prayer to take me on an adventure, that my life would not ever feel mundane, but that I would be ready and willing to follow Him into the crazy and uncomfortable. I love the Haitian people, every time I go I get more excited for the time that I get to live there. But here, here I am blessed as well. I love that it is going to be hard to leave. I love that I have a family, a church, a community group, and a job with co-workers and patients that will be hard to leave. Jesus has been faithful in these two years while I have been in Arkansas and it makes me even more confident that he will be faithful as I continue this adventure with Him in another country and another language.

Prayer Request

• That I would be able to learn the language and be able to make the sounds needed to speak French and then Creole fluently: I know this seems like a weird request, but I have been trying to learn some basics while in Haiti and some of the sounds I just don't understand how to do it. You know the people who say "tree" instead of "three" well there are lots of sounds that I say very wrong and I really want to be able to learn how to make those sounds correctly. 
• The PT school: I got to talk more to the acting dean for the school this time about what my role would be. There are many possibilities but at this point it is understandably difficult to say exactly what that would look like since it is about 18 months away and lots can change in that time. She does still seem interested in me having a more permanent position at the school while also understanding my heart to train Haitians in the clinic. This is promising, and just praying for direction for both of us. 
• Clinic partnerships: As I move forward in preparation to move to Haiti I need to find organizations or individuals who would be interested in helping to start and fund a Physical Therapy Clinic. I would really like to have an idea of where/when the first one will be by the time I leave for France, so that during that year my friend in Haiti can help me locate housing and materials for the clinic in that area. 
• Preparation Trip: There should be a trip to Haiti with at least 2 of the Pastors from Fellowship and possible some other people that are interested in going to kind of vision where and how to best serve the Haitian people through rehabilitation services. 
• VISA Process: I need to start the VISA process at the beginning of October, but need to get all the information and documents put together prior to that. That will be a very busy time as I transition out from my current job, and will be the clinical instructor of a PT student, and in the final stages of a move over seas. I am just trying to prioritize things so that there is no "emergencies" towards the end.
• Take time to prepare: This one is hard. Even though I move in 7 months it seems so far away because of the responsibilities in life right now. Please don't think that is a complaint, I love my job and I don't want to leave earlier than I need to. I just need to begin to prioritize a time focused on preparing the next steps. I don't know what this will look like yet but praying that I would see this time as a good stewardship of my time instead of something I can push off until tomorrow. 
• Prayer Preparation: I also ask that you would come along side me and pray for the Lord to prepare the people and organizations I will have the opportunity to work with in Haiti. That I would have a spiritually discerning heart as I choose my "team" in Haiti. That the Lord would work prior to me coming to mature Haitians in Christ so that I would have a group of people that spur me on in the Lord and can also do the Lords work of making disciples through rehabilitation. 

^^ Live Foolishly